I have always prided myself on being self aware. Recently, I learned that I was not as self aware as I thought.
I have been under tremendous stress. I have had stressors in my life that have caused me to lose sleep and spend a lot of time crying. My temper is short. I’m tired. Panic attacks have started and overall I am a hot emotional mess. It is in the midst of this mess that I realized for years I have been self medicating.
When people asked me about my eating habits a year ago I would tell them the wonderfulness of my diet. I eat organic. I eat lean, fresh, non-antibiotic meats and eggs. I eat seafood. I eat fresh greens and steamed veggies. Sure I would indulge in sweets and boy could I hold my liquor, but overall I ate healthy. What I did not realize is that I was also a HUGE stress eater/drinker. I can see it so clearly now because in the midst of everything life is throwing at me the very things I used to cope with this kind of pressure are the same things I cannot have.
I haven’t had a panic attack in years. You know why? Because pre surgery when life went to hell I would go to the Royal Oaks order a double of Jameson neat and a order of garlic wings and work on that until I either felt better or was buzzed enough to sleep. Or I would go to the store buy blackberries, vanilla ice cream, and proceed to make drunken blackberry cobbler with a whisky sauce that would make a 5 star chef wish they had my recipe. That’s how I slowly went from a size 14 (when I got married) to a size 28 (just before surgery).
So what does a girl do now? The upside is I can still eat bacon!
Total weight loss: 103lbs
Good morning folks! I had a really candid conversation with a friend about weight loss, weight loss surgery, and being healthy. I have been extremely blessed in that everyone in my life either close or on the periphery has been extremely supportive during my process.
I remember this person preparing me for the negativity when I told her I was going to have “the surgery” and I thought “who is going to be mean about that?” I mean really its a personal health choice and while I get people not necessarily understanding my reasons or my needs I had a hard time imagining people being hostile about it. Then I had to bully my primary care physician into giving me the referral. And of course during the counseling sessions you go through the counselor said I should prepare for people to treat me differently and negative reactions to this choice. THEN the dietician said the same to me and I began to wonder what it was about losing weight that made people behave so horribly to a person. Who wouldn’t celebrate someone taking their life back and becoming healthy. So, I prepared myself for this. and lo and behold it was a wasted exercise. This NEVER happened to me.
I have had people question my choice. It has always been done with respect and curiosity rather than disdain. I had one guy tell me I would finally be dateable (I no longer talk to him). I have had the side eye when I go out with friends and eat less than 1/2 of a child sized portion of food. We all laugh about it and they joke I’ll be eating my entrée for 3 days. I learned early in life some things are just not worth feeling bad about especially when teasing comes from love and not malice. And rather than be mean about my weight loss my friends and family cheer me on. They are genuinely happy for me.
I think this process shines a spotlight on the kind of person you are. I am a firm believer that who you were fat is just exemplified as you shed the pounds. If you were a fat bitch you just shrink into a skinny bitch. If you were miserable fat you are still miserable skinny. If you were mean spirited and elitist fat then you are that same mean spirited elitist person skinny. You have to work on you at its root. Health benefits of losing weight aside if you do not work on who you are at your core losing weight will not fix it.
Oftentimes fat folks are excused because it is assumed we all suffer from poor self image. After all at a certain size we are so far from what society deems beautiful or handsome that people will excuse a sour attitude and blame it on our weight. However, people are less forgiving the closer you get to what society deems acceptable. The truth is many people may very well be reacting to you as a person rather than the weight you loss.
Now I’m sure this is not the case 100% of the time, and in those cases of true spitefulness I say brush your shoulders off. You can’t expect everyone to be in your corner and as long as you love yourself others opinions are just like assholes and sometimes just as nasty. However, if its everyone maybe you should look at who you surround yourself with and take a longer look at yourself.
**Down to 219 — Yay Me!!!!!
It has been pointed out that my posting is too infrequent. So, what’s new you ask? Several things…
The first is an observation. I don’t like the “bariatric” diet. I cheat regularly. Daily even. *gasp*. Yup, I an having secret meetings with fresh fruit, raw spinach, steak, and my dietary version of crack — BACON. Now, I know that doesn’t strike you as too horrible, but my body does not like all this roughage. Nor is said roughage, red meat, and bacony goodness on the approved list of foods. My system does pretty good with steak as long as it’s tender and I only eat a couple ounces. I stick to no more than one or two thin slices of bacon and life is good. But the fruit and spinach. The new gastric system is no quite as happy. It’s not painful, but I am gaseous. So I have developed a strategy that includes Gas-X by the case and so far that seems to be helping. Score 1 for me.
This segues into my next “dietary” experiment. Whisky. Now for those who know me, you understand I enjoyed a double of Jameson neat. So, it is no surprise that I would test this theory of “no alcohol consumption” put forth by my weight loss team. I was informed that drinking is no longer an option for me. I chuckled at that concept and nodded politely knowing full well I was going to test that limit. So, today I did, and dammit if the doctor wasn’t right! 1 shot. 1 shot and I was lit like a Christmas tree and in need of DD to get me home. There was a time in the recent past when I could toss back several doubles and still be the most sober person in the room. Those days are long gone. I will not be testing the alcohol limits again. I enjoyed the calming effects of Jameson, but now it is closer to comatose after 1 ounce. It’s just not a good feeling. So, score 1 for the Doc…
Lastly, my clothes keep falling off of me. Yeah, I know. It’s a great problem to have. Except, I have to leave the house everyday, and I can’t go 2 weeks without needing new clothes. This week I realized the size 18s I was so thrilled to fit now require a little help to stay up. The 2x sweaters I was sure would last the winter now fall off my shoulders. And the F cup I prayed the Lord would let me keep has collapsed into a 36DDD. I feel awkward and deflated. You never realize how much of your identity is tied up in your appearance until it changes dramatically. For me it was the twins. Babies rested easy on them. They got me out of speeding tickets. Occasionally they got me free stuff and upgrades. I put them with a pretty smile and some charm last year and got a very nice buy back price on my old iPhone. Men were mesmerized by them. They had an almost hypnotic effect. Now, not so much.
People compliment my appearance and it’s good to hear. I appreciate it. I’m not sure I deserve the “proud of you” statements. My stomach is the size of a golf ball. It’s not like I didn’t have drastic help. I am still working out. But, I am feeling a weird mix of pretty, but not myself. Almost like I don’t fit in my skin anymore. I feel out of sorts. It’s odd that at 303lbs I knew who and what I was. I had embraced me even if that me was in horrible health. Now at 228lbs it’s a struggle to get comfy in my skin. I don’t recognize my face in the mirror. Today I actually thought to myself maybe you’ve lost enough. I know that’s not rational. I’m still overweight. But the prospect of losing 75 more pounds is a little scary. Not because it seems unachievable, but because I don’t think I know how to be that Ingrid.
No one has ever accused me of being Suzy Sunshine. I have recently been informed that my resting bitch face is intimidating and its not until I open my mouth that you are pleasantly surprised by the fact that I am actually a nice person. However, the last 5 days has showed me that I do have a certain optimism about me. I very seldom see the life as beating me down — I don’t keep pity parties going indefinitely. I cry, I pout and then I move on. Even when I am going through something major I try to see the good. I have experienced so much “major shit” in my life that when little things happen I just roll with it. I recognize that God has carried me through some of the worst moments in my life and to allow self pity, doubt or fear to grab hold over minor things disrespects all the great things that happen to me every day.
So, what does that have to do with my weight loss, exercise plan, diet, or surgery? Nothing. I just thought that today I’d be grateful. I’m alive. I am healthy (even if I’m still chunky). I have a beautiful daughter, wonderful parents and cool (and sometimes bat shit crazy) family. Truly crazy but fun and supportive friends. A good job. And most importantly LOVE. I am loved by some of the best folks in the world. When you look at all that you realize minor setbacks in life are not worth the time and effort of wallowing and complaining. Life happens. Its how we deal with it that defines who we are and what kind of life we will have. I prefer to be happy! Have a great day!
PS… I’m down 55 pounds (you knew I’d sneak it in!)
Ok, first let me say that my emotional pity party roller coaster is now over. Yes, those first 2 weeks post surgery were treacherous, but now that I am on the other side and back to work I recognize my hormones were out of whack and the fear of losing my hair was probably a little dramatic. Thank you for putting up with my crazy.
Now onward and downward… So, my boobs left this week. There was a mass exodus of about 2 cup sizes. It was like I went to bed a size H and woke up an F. Now to those ladies who struggle to fill a B cup I understand that you don’t feel my pain. I accept that, but I have always been buxom and this was a comedy of errors. Now mind you I knew it was coming, but I thought I had more time. The girls just lost a goodly portion of their heft and that meant that all those bras I bought in January were obsolete. Its like someone stole all of my “side boob” and there is nothing worse than having to leave the house when the twins are not correctly situated. Nothing makes you look homeless faster than a bad bra and pants that don’t fit.
I went to Lane Bryant’s to get fitted for new slings for my downsized twins and well let’s just say I now understand why so many women wear poorly fitted bras. Ladies no matter what the woman with the tape measure says — when you look in the mirror if the girls are not sitting in the middle of you chest (think 1/2 way between your elbow and shoulder) then the bra does not fit. If you are spilling from the top, bottom or sides of the bra then your cup size is too little. The dreaded 4 boob is of the devil and should be destroyed!
So now I have 1 new bra that fits correctly… All is right with the world again. Now if I can only figure out a way to combat the saggy booty of too big pants… This happened really fast folks.
Please forgive any grammatical errors in this post. It’s 3:24, I’m in bed, on an iPad (instead of at a PC) and I just shouldn’t be held responsible for misusing “to” when I meant “too”.
So, a few things. I talked to a guy yesterday who agreed to be my personal trainer. He was so sweet and kind. Believe it or not I never lacked confidence in myself as a person. It must be the Sagittarius in me, because I always felt secure in who I am despite my weight, but being able to admit that I cannot get myself in shape alone. *Whew* that was hard for me. He made it easy to ask for help and I appreciate him for that!
I went to church Sunday. That’s freaking HUGE! MASSIVE! I have my reasons for not going, but I got an IM from a childhood friend basically asking me when I was coming. We had a brief convo where I told him I don’t do congregations. And to be honest I didn’t plan on going. However, Sunday I got up, got dressed, and went. And I’m glad I did. Sometimes in the midst of stressful times God speaks to us in unlikely places. And for me church is about as unlikely as a monk in a strip club.
My job may be easing up soon. I swear for the last 6 weeks I have felt completely overwhelmed. 10 hour work days. Trying to juggle 4 separate programs. Phone calls. E-mails. Home Visits. Excel files. Lists. Letters. Nursing Homes. All of this and keeping a smile on my face has been a challenge. One I suspect I have been failing. (Read I’ve been a bitch). To all my friends who have overlooked it, forced me to laugh about it, or just forced a hug on me in spite of myself… Damn I love y’all!
I’m exhausted, which means I’m in bed by 9 and awake between 3 and 5… I gave up caffeine and sugar and that means I’m cranky, but on the plus side I am down 35lbs by myself. That is important to me. Because even though I am having this surgery Tuesday, this proves to me I am ready, committed, and capable of changing this aspect of my life. It’s getting close and I’m a little scared and a lot nervous. And in truth I’m looking forward to the anesthesia… I may get some real sleep.