I have had the displeasure of being a landlord for a total of 5 months. I say had, because shortly after taking over this tenant from my father I was forced to give it back because the “man” who lived in the house refused to pay his rent on time; however, my parents wouldn’t let me put the bum out.

It was as this asshole was reitterating that he was “man” I had the audacity to remind him that real men didn’t try to hustle their way out of paying their rent.  Real men figure it out or have the decency to not to hide when they are short.  They handle their finacial issue standing up — not crouching behind their girlfriends skirts as she calls to explain why his rent is late.  Again.   

The how’s and whys my parents wouldn’t put him out are irrelevant. The purpose of this post is not the drama of having a renter who refuses to pay or parents who don’t want to be the bad guy. This is about men in general.
I written about my father in the past and I’ve also written about the wonderful women in my family. So, I am going to take this moment to explain why my tolerance is so low for no good men, trifling, and under-achieving men. It’s because I am blessed with a family full of do right men. Now they are not perfect. Some of them have been known to have a straying eye, hand or *a-hem* well you know, but they all understand the importance of family and what it means for a man to take care for his family. Family always comes first and the money and time always comes home. Paychecks don’t get dropped off at the strip club and wives and children don’t worry about having a roof, food or utilities. They don’t try to con the landlord, and most of them understand the importance of home ownership. Real men understand the importance of standing on their own. They don’t expect the women to carry their load. They understand that in order to lay claim to their manhood they must first behave as men.

I cannot name a single man in my family who has not stepped up and stepped into his manhood. Maybe there is one or two that have slipped under my radar, but the truth of the matter is those men probably keep a low profile because men being men is a mantra in our family. The quickest way to get talked about and a firm talking to in my family is to be over 21 and behave as less than a grown ass man.

So this is just a quick post to say thank you to all the other good men out there. Every time I see you stand strong — I smile. Each you hold a door, pay the check, and carry the heavy stuff it does my heart good. For each one of you taking care of your babies, your wives, and your family — thank you. For those of you who are good to your girlfriends – thank you. For the playas out there who admit it upfront and tell us you’re not ready, but still pick up the tab – thank you.

Here’s to Jim Jr. (Daddad), Will, Little Will, Jim, Robert, Fred, Junior, Tony, Damon, Prentice, Leon, Herbert, Herbert Jr., Crow, Earl, Maurice, Alfonso, Steve, … *Whew* this is a long list so let’s just leave it at this…

To all you good men out there sometimes we forget to say thanks.

GC over at Radioventriloquist posted the following comment to my last post:

“how do you like his lyrics?
http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/lilwayne/kisha.html“

Now the song she links is called Kisha and is pretty foul. I think in my new found respect for Wayne Carter as a man I neglected to address what I thought of his music as Li’l Wayne. This was too big of an answer to address in the comment section of my blog, but I thought God’s Child had a valid question. I also think that it is not only valid in the context of how I see Li’l Wayne, but how I see music, censorship, the 1^st amendment and parenthood.

First, let me be clear in saying that while I know my daughter has seen and heard things I wouldn’t approve simply by way of my allowing her to leave the house.  What she listens to and watches when she is at home is limited to what I purchase. She does not have access to download her own music because my personal laptop is the only one authorized for those accounts and she doesn’t buy cd’s or movies because she feels her money s better spent on making her lips shiny, her nails colorful, and being a little Lisa Bonet-ish fashionista. That is not to say that when she comes of age to buy or have access to such things I will ban it, but for now I wield my control of what is in our media library and limit those things I deem inappropriate. Has she ever heard a Li’l Wayne song? Yep, she has. Does she like Li’l Wayne music? Yep, she does. Neither of us had ever heard the Kisha song — mainly because if I buy or download a song by him it is usually the radio-clean edit.

Hip-Hop is a minefield for parents. Many rappers express concepts and discuss topics we cringe to think about and struggle to grasp even with our adult knowledge, but the music is oftentimes marketed to our children rather than the adults it is meant to entertain. I like Hip-Hop. It is not my favorite music genre, but sometimes it fits my mood or moves my workout routine in ways that (Neo-)Soul, R&B, Jazz or Gospel just don’t. The course language, the witty play on words, and the driving baselines just get good to me. I tend to shy away from songs that discuss women in a bad light, but I am not necessarily offended by it. I know as a woman that is hard for some to understand, but the truth of the matter is I have never been a whore, skank, slut, cougar, hood rat, or any other of the names many of the songs discuss. Since I know these songs couldn’t possible be referring to me I not offended by them, I don’t dignify them with a moment thought.

To me this is not just about Li’l Wayne. Music, Spoken Word, Written Word, and any other form of art you can think of all are protected under the first amendment. I may not like what your say or create but I will defend your right to say it. I don’t believe in censorship so I will defend your right watch, listen to and purchase whatever you want. The flip side of that is I retain the right to say whatever I want about any and all subjects including your obvious lack of talent and the disturbing way your mind works that would allow you to create the so-called art.

After the behind the music episode I downloaded a lot of his music to see how I felt about it. Some of it I really liked and some of it I disliked because of content, but all of it had the redeeming quality of having talent. I have to give him credit for having the ability to take the English language and use the words in a creative way and if I am very honest the songs I hated were only because of the lyrics. The music was actually pretty good.

So, in response to GC’s comment, what about his lyrics — some of them I like. Some of them I hate, but I defend his right to say them all. The ones I hate I don’t listen to. The one’s I like I loaded onto my iPod, and in the end I still respect the man behind the music. His life is typical of that of so many of our black men. Born in poverty, raised by a mother who didn’t understand that it is not good to expect your son to fill in your husband’s space, dropped out early, and yet he is still here and a productive citizen. No, he is not the most politically correct person. He is not a good role model with his drug use, drinking, and lyrics, but in spite of it all he is a man who knows his own mind and the space he occupies in this world. I can still respect that.

We all know the expression “you can’t judge a book by its cover.” Well… *SIGH* I was wrong. I spend a lot of time telling the child and her friends that they are in danger of losing IQ points; mostly for watching stupid stuff like Maury, Rob & Big, and listening to rappers like Li’l Wayne. Well, I still think day time talk shows will kill off brain cells as fast as weed with considerably less pleasure, but I have to admit I was wrong about Rob & Big. They are an excellent substitute for weed and I am sorry Rob left the show. I intend to catch up on reruns.

As for Li’l Wayne… I was waaay wrong a lot.

Recently, due to a very bad upper respiratory infection that sent my asthma into a tailspin I spent 4 days in the hospital. No, I have not been smoking weed. Let’s just say my office and the mold living there was bound to do me in eventually. But that is a different post that will occur after OSHA has finished its investigation. Anyhow, back to Li’l Wayne.

While hooked up to IV fluids and with little else to do but take breathing treatments, eat hospital fruit salad, beg my friends to smuggle in cookies (Thanks Wan!) and watch TV – I decided to watch the VH1 Behind the music featuring Li’l Wayne. The truth be told I was looking for more ammo so I could spout off more “Li’l Wayne is of the Devil” rhetoric. Why, you may ask, would I want to do that? Well, mostly because it’s my job as a parent to hate my child’s music. We all do it so I was taking that responsibility seriously. What kind of parent would I be if I didn’t pick a few rappers and swear up and down they were causing severe brain damage to the children? To be fair I never really thought his music sucked. I just picked him because he looks like an evil, satan-cultivated, troll.

(These Pics were “borrowed” from Nikki over @ Infinite Ink)

What good parent wouldn’t rebel against him? Anyhow, so I watching the Behind the Music and I find out he was an Honor student who dropped out of school to become a rapper because his stepdad (who was more of a father than his married abuser of a biological father) was killed.

After his stepdad’s death, Wayne assumed the role of man of the house and stated quite plainly that it was his place to become his mother’s husband. Not in a freaky incest-y way like Mackenzie Phillips, but because his mother wasn’t woman enough to nurture her son into manhood and instead allowed her child to take care of her. Now, normally this type of upbringing will force the young man into the world of drugs and crime. Fortunately for Wayne, he was smart, had the ability to play on words, and make folks want to listen. Li’l Wayne began rapping in his early teens and hasn’t slowed down.

Four things gave me a new level of respect for the man.

 #1 On education he was very honest. He said he was a good student because he never thought school was hard. He stated “The teachers took the lessons from the books and gave you the answers. All I did was do my work.” That scored more points with me than he will ever know. I allowed my child to be held back last year. Not because she didn’t understand her lessons, but because she decided to be a lazy ass and she obstinately refused to do any work. Now, I have Li’l Wayne to back me up when she starts playing lazy. Yep, I know that makes me a slightly hypocritical opportunist. The same man I condemned as satan’s spawn I now use to shame the child when she procrastinates. I’m such a good mother .

 #2 His work ethic is wicked (in a good way). Hell, anyone who works that hard has truly earned every dime. Period. I love to see people who love what they do and do it full out. That does it for me. He does a full concert, grabs a bite to eat and goes to work in the studio that’s on his tour bus. He may not settle in until 3am, but even while touring he is working on the next project. He said he was the greatest rapper alive. I don’t know if I’m on that trip, but if the work he puts in is any indication – he has definitely earned a space in the top 5.

 #3 Despite or maybe because his mother was so stereotypically ghetto – he is a real man. How do I define that? He puts in work, loves his kids AND takes excellent care of them, he still cares for his now ex-wife, he is a damn good son to his mother, and he looks out for all those around him that depend on him.  He is loyal to those who came up with him.  Loyalty is the one thing that gets me everytime.  Loyalty doesn’t come easy and it is even more rare than real trust. 

He moved from New Orleans, but he never turned his back. He said that while watching the coverage of Katrina he didn’t realize until several days later that people he knew were victims. He said he began getting phone calls saying so & so died. That this one drowned in front of his family. That one lost everything. In his shock he couldn’t wrap his mind around the fact that Katrina had killed or harmed “people I knew.” Fame tends to isolate, but rather than stay isolated he QUIETLY went to work helping the people in New Orleans. He goes on to say that many celebrities jump on the “save the world” bandwagon. That’s cool, but he said for him it wasn’t the world it was family. Much respect due simply for being a man.

 Lastly, and this is a little warped, but I can still respect him. Mainly because this is how I feel about it too. He began talking about his arrest in NY. Wayne is a prolific weed smoker and is notorious for drinking Syrup (or Purple Drank). Now for those who don’t know what Syrup is — it is a drink made from Rx cough syrup. You know the good kind with codeine that not only kills the cough but knocks you on your ass.

For the record I think as a parent it is my responsibility to condemn all drug use. “It’s bad for you” doesn’t even begin to describe what drugs can do to a person. I don’t use drugs. I don’t allow my daughter in environments where drugs are used or condoned, and I think that anything that alters your reality is probably not a good idea. I’m a bit of a control freak. That’s why, even though some days I wish I had a nickel bag and a nice bottle of Muscat, I settle for the wine and don’t call the weed man. HOWEVER, I believe in a person’s right to be grown. Sho nuff grown.

 That said when he told the interviewer he didn’t care if it was heroin in his cup it was HIS cup and therefore, nobody’s damn business what he was drinking — I have to admit I had to vigorously nod my head in the amen corner.

Should he drink syrup? Probably not as it is known for causing heart problems and is a nefarious killer of young black men by way of heart failure. I firmly believe in not only personal responsibility but also personal freedom. Sure, prescription drug use is what killed Mike and a slew of other celebrities, but I am hard pressed to blame anyone but the celebrity as they all know the risks of the drugs they take. Grown folks are funny like that. We eat that second slice of cake knowing we have no intention of working out. We drink that 4^th glass of wine knowing we are going to have a helluva headache in the morning. We ride around town without our seatbelts, and a host of other things that are not good for us.  We do it because we are grown and feel the positives outweigh the risks.  I may not have his vice, but I have several of my own and I am grown enough not only to do what I do, but also to take responisbility for all my actions.  He strikes as a man who feels the same. 

When asked about his trial he said its not on his radar.  Time will take care of that and he’ll deal with those consequences when they come.  Untill then he keeps on working.  Yep, a man after my own heart.    

Maybe I’d feel differently if he was giving it to children, but at last check he was just imbibing on his own with other grown ass folks. That said I am a proponent of personal freedom and I see no reason to regulate what’s in his Styrofoam cup. The part time environmentalist in me wishes he drink from something recyclable, but hey you can’t have everything.

 So here I am removing Li’l Wayne from my satan spawn list. Don’t worry folks after the VMA’s I have just the person to take his place. Lady Gaga I now have a seat for you. Take a load off I’m pretty sure you’ll be here for a while.

It began … “I believe God is a Woman…” and my heart stopped. Just for a moment as I caught my breathe I listened to the melodic baritone of a man whose words echoed what I feel in my soul. That melody holds just enough base to give his words that sincere force that says simply “listen… this could be important.”  He spoke nothing blasphemous, nothing that shook my faith as a Christian. There was nothing that caved in my ideological belief system just a simple truth.

God is a woman. Not because I disbelieve in Christ, but because there is something innately feminine about faith, a quiet strength in mercy, and beauty in forgiveness. These are all the things God is. A while back I had Marc Marcel in the sidebar as the writer or the month. I’ve never met or spoken to him, but in his poetry I sense a kindred spirit. This is a short post because it is his words that deserve the attention. Listen carefully and understand why we both believe God is a woman. This is the poetry I wish I could write.

Yesterday I was basking in the glory of being alone with no one to interrupt my solitude when I decided I needed a good movie to complete the effect. I had watched a couple of fantasy and romantic comedies and was in the mood for something with a little more substance when I came across the movie Milk. It is the true story of San Francisco Supervisor Harvey Milk who started off as a gay rights activist.

I love historically based movies; especially autobiographical movies. There is something about watching the past play out that give you a certain perspective. I know these movies are not always accurate, but it is that tone and the intent that opens your eyes and makes you want to learn more. Milk is no exception. This movie touched me. I think what struck me more than anything was the moment in the movie where Anita Bryant was talking to a group of her supporters and in this hate speech she made the comment that there are “evils in this world masquerading as something good…”

As A heterosexual Christian woman with a child there was nothing more asinine than that comment coming out of her mouth. All I could think was that she is exactly right, but she doesn’t realize the evil masquerading as good was her. I understand there is fundamental disagreement between the some Christians and the lifestyle of homosexuals, but I was under there impression that faith and relationship with God is personal. Maybe I was confused because I thought Jesus was love.

The older I get the less I understand intolerance. No one seems to understand when we make it easy to take the rights away from group the easier it becomes to decimate more and more groups until there is so much intolerance there is no one left. Evils like this create a hate that grows without bounds. God never meant for us to hate each other and he never made it our job to decide who got into heaven or was sent to hell. Oddly enough Ms. Bryant learned the hard way that bigotry and religious fanaticism comes back to bite you in the ass when life steps in. It seems she was in an abusive marriage and was all but disowned by the church she spent so much time protecting from gay people when she decided she needed to divorce her husband. Her endorsements dried up and she was uninvited from the Christian events she used to headline. Funny how hate works. (Read more here)

I know that sometimes I live in a world of idealistic utopia, but it is my sincere prayer that when someone like Mr. Milk is assassinated we learn to be more tolerant. Deaths like that should never be glossed over or discounted. He lived, he loved and he fought for tolerance. This is the definition of a hero. (Learn more about Harvey Milk here.)

I sat watching Black in America for two nights trying to find something — anything — that tied this together for me.  I was watching this time knowing I was going to see a bunch of bullshit but intent on gleaning something of substance from the vat of empty calories Ms. Soledad is insistent on feeding the world. 

So what did I get from all this?  To be a black person in America means you possess a certain level of hunger.  I’m not talking physical hunger, but the mental and emotional hunger that comes from knowing there is something better and bigger out there for you. 

How do I justify that statement?  Well, it took two days to figure it out and of all things I was watching Jay-Z’s D.O.A. video when it hit me.  There is a level of bravado, ego, arrogance, “swagga,” — hunger – that pervades the black community, and how that plays out for us and the rest of the world is based on how it’s fed, nurtured or left to fend for itself. 

Case in point, there very first segment was a case of that hunger being fed with McDonald’s.  Yes Malaak’s idea was filling, much like a Big Mac Extra Value Meal, but there was no nutritional value in it. 

The children in this segment were required to be nothing on the front end but fail.  They were flunking, they had no attainable ambitions, and nothing was required of them that allowed them to earn the trip to South Africa.  This to me creates a vacuum in which the children who, by Malaak’s own admission, were already receiving unearned handouts in the form of welfare and community charity were given yet one more thing for free. 

And in turn for that bit of charity these children went across the ocean to give more charity.  Now, don’t get me wrong.  I am not a pull yourself up by your bootstraps republican who believes those who don’t earn should starve, but neither am I a free-love-throw-money at the issues democrat.  My sensibilities lie somewhere in the middle; in that place of true Christian charity and community responsibility.  I think that to truly give a person (especially a child) the tools to uplift oneself you have to start by making it known that you have to EARN it. 

Children who are always given something and not taught the true essence of charity is not what is given, but rather that it was yours to give and you sacrificed of yourself in order to help your fellow person.  There was no sacrifice anywhere in this segment.  Malaak isn’t sacrificing anything.  The children didn’t sacrifice anything.  So what was the point?  You asked nothing of these children and then you cry because they are still failures.  Really?  Seriously?  You think?  You never demanded or required anything from them and now you have only gifted them with the view that our broke isn’t as bad as their broke.  Hmmm.

I have said repeatedly in the past that I agree with Oprah’s assessment that the children in the US do not appreciate the opportunities afforded them freely simply by being born here.  I agree that seeing true poverty in other places allows our children to recognize even in the direst situations here in the US they are still provided with a door to get out.  That door is education.  But what good is showing children all of this and never requiring they walk through it.  In my house education is the priority.  My 14 year child failed the 8th grade last year.  In the state of Ohio they socially promote children who have passed their minimum skill tests regardless of the class work they do.  My child passed her minimum skills test but didn’t do anything of substance to pass her course work.  She was lazy and I signed off on keeping her back.  Why would I do this?  I did it because failure and mediocrity are not an option here.  You will do it well or you will do it again.  

Now to some, holding the child back may be a drastic move. I am still catching hell from my mother for doing it.   I could have sent her to summer school.  I could have paid even more money to have even more tutors get her caught up, but the truth is she needed to have her hunger to write and work with children (her dream) fed with something of substance.  She didn’t flunk because she was slow.  My child has had her poetry published in two national books poetry and has won essay contests for her writing.  There is nothing wrong with her mind.  To be honest she was just used to a system that says we don’t expect much and learned that her schools don’t require much to be promoted. So as a parent it is my job to show her that I could care less what “they” don’t expect.  In our home the bar is set at stratospheric heights.  Achievement is not an option it is a must. The second Malaak made no requirements for the opportunity she was giving — the moment she gave with no conditions on achievement — she doomed her program to failure.  How can you make children who live mired in failures achieve if you don’t first require them not to fail? 

Conversely, we have Mr. Steven Perry.  Here is a man after my own heart.  There is nothing critical I can say about his magnet school.  There are those who will criticize his strict attitude.  His belief that details matter even to the extent that the children are required to where prep school uniforms, but regardless of how he pulls it together for those children — it works.  It works because the details really do matter.

Mr. Perry said something in his segment that struck with me and will probably be the mantra in my house for many years to come.  “Our children have got to learn to play hurt.”  That’s it in a nutshell for me.  Life is going to deal you blows.  People are going to do some fucked up things to and around you.  Everyone is not going to agree with you, like you, love you or give a damn about you.  Sometimes these people will be the ones who should love and protect you.  When this happens how you deal with it is important.  Even in all that physical and emotional pain you have got to learn that the game of life doesn’t stop.  You have to keep playing.  Tape up you ego, bandage your spirit, grab a cortisone shot for your broken heart and do the work. 

We have a very real problem of letting everything get us. Everything is racist.  Everything is a personal affront.  Everything is drama worthy and shuts down the show.  I see that attitude everyday and everyday it baffles me.  Whining and crying never solve the problem.  It doesn’t fix the situation.  It won’t give you the edge you need to correct the wrong or set right the problem.  What it does is give proof that you have accepted defeat.  You have decided to starve rather than fight to feed your hunger.  Starvation is not an option for me and neither can I allow it to be for my child. 

 This is why we have to be tough with our children where education is concerned.  Is education the great equalizer?  I’m not sure.  What I know with certainty is that without it you’ve made yourself powerless to be anything other than what those giving you handouts define you as. 

Many of our children come into to this world at a cultural disadvantage.  At this stage in the game it is not always racism, but rather the simple fact of being culturally disadvantaged.  Poverty breeds inequity.  Lack of access breeds inequity.  A lack of strong, positive, male and female role models in the home breeds inequity.  Unfortunately, black and brown children suffer the highest numbers of all three.  So how do you counter this?  Mr. Perry hit the nail on the head.  We practice longer, stay later and work harder to make up the gap.  You do what needs to be done to get it done.  It’s really that simple. 

When it stops being about what everyone around you is doing to you, for you or against you and becomes a game you play for yourself — whining and crying are no longer the reaction.  You understand the world is going to do what it does.  Therefore, I am going to do what I need to do in order to succeed in spite of.   

This mantra will not turn all these children into executives and multimillionaires, but what it will do is give each and everyone of them the foundation and background to become productive citizens.  It will give them the basis of what they need to live a life full and without the restrictions that poverty and failure place on a person.  They have been given the tools to dream and achieve that dream.  You can’t ask for more.  It’s the difference between feeding that hunger to succeed with pipe dreams of NBA fame and feeding it with the substance behind the real advantages that come with an MBA.   

Now on to the Executive training program…  I think that this program is a good idea with one serious flaw.  *SIGH* How exactly do you teach a person to run with the big dogs if you tell them they can’t use their teeth to take down the pack leader? 

What do I mean?   If you aspire to live and function in the world of the powerful you must use all your attributes to your best advantage while doing your best to neutralize your flaws.  This includes playing the race card, the gender card, or any other card you may have in order to gain the advantage over the competition.  I was never made for that kind of game playing.  I guess I’m not that hungry.  However, the reason I know I wasn’t meant for it is because I understand what you have to do to win. 

If you are unwilling to use what you got and make it work for you then you are destined to fail at being a power broker.  If you want to win you must be willing to play the game using your best skills and exploiting your opponent’s weakness.  I like that he is putting more of us in contact with the people who play at that level.  I just hope in his optimism that there is no need to use your race and/or gender he doesn’t forget to tell his students that you tailor your story to get the results from your audience.  You can’t just know your story; you also have to know who you are telling it to and what part of that story puts you at the greatest advantage over your competition.   

Now on to the black elite…  They are black.  They are elite.  They will remain both black and elite.  And they feed their hunger on the caviar of exclusion, the filet mignon of superiority and the lobster of intermarriage.  I’m not mad about.  I don’t hate on them.  I personally think this is the way of the elite regardless of color.    Hell, if I had been born one of them I’d probably be that way too.  I think the woman Soledad interviewed had that vapid air of the elite that disallows them to see the real world they so desperately try to pretend they are not a part of.  Had I been trying to prove the point that black folks regardless of status experience racism and struggle I wouldn’t have picked her.  But that is just a personal assessment.  I have been wrong before.

Well, that ends my commentary on day one of Black in America.  I was even less impressed with day two.  The next post will most likely include a rant with regards to the guy in prison and Tyler Perry.  I liked the Project Brotherhood segment and Geoffrey Canada’s initiative. 

Let me know what you think.  I look forward to hearing your opinions. 

I am watching Black in America 2… We’ll see how this installment goes.  So far its 50/50… More to come.