Sign of the Times

Sagittarius, if you want to settle down, look for a relationship that will offer you plenty of freedom to be yourself and try new things. It is possible that your partnerships will never be typical, but they will occur on your own terms.  It’s also a good idea for your partner to give you lots of room to explore your world. Once you start to feel hemmed in, you become impatient and difficult. At the end of the day, what Sagittarians want most is to know the meaning of life, and if they accomplish this while feeling free and easy, all the better.

 

Sitting at my desk during lunch surfing the web I decided to take an astrology quiz, and the above statement is what came after I gave this website my birthday.  I am a Sagittarius with Libra in rebellion.  I have no clue what that means except to say that the bulk of the information the computer spit at me was correct.  It was the above quote that struck me. 

You see I have an ex who decides to contact me once every 6-9 months like clockwork and then begins the initiation of communication.  It is just the nature of the beast.  I don’t really know why he does this and unfortunately our relationship ended so horribly our past emotional connection will never be enough to forge a civil relationship or even a simple friendship.  I don’t wish him bad.  As a matter of fact, I hope he finds what he is looking for as long as that doesn’t include me.

What amazes me is that during this 8+ year relationship I never really knew who I was and as a result he was able to push and mold me in ways that were highly uncomfortable for me.  In the end it was not the bad things that happened in our relationship that make me thank God we didn’t make it, but it is his habit of trying to remake me.  I hated it! 

It is always something with him.  I am extremely uncomfortable in the lime light, but his goal was to put me there simply because that was where he felt I should be.  I found myself in more awkward situations than I care to remember because he wanted me ”out front.”  I was able to function, but I was always extremely uncomfortable.  However, because I suceeded in these situations he took that as his being right rather than understanding the stress I was under to grapple with my discomfort were never good for me.  Someone who loves you encourages you but does not throw you in the deep end and feel the end justified the means because you floated rather than drowned.  The truth of the matter is I never learned how to swim in our relationship.  Eventually I floated to safety.      

It is never simple encouragement or a compliment on a job well done.  It is always “you should go back to school,” “you can do that at the next level,” “you could be making money doing that,” “why aren’t you doing that professionally,” or my least favorite “you are wasting your talent.”  I think that hurt the most.  It was hurtful because I never feel anything I do is wasted.  Everything new I learn, every talent I hone and every skill set I learn makes me a more well rounded person, but because I don’t immediately turn those talents to a money making scheme he felt it was wasted talent.  Much of what I know how to do I share with friends and family free of charge. 

Oftentimes I refuse payment because I may move on to something more challenging next week and I don’t want to be tied to yesterday’s list of accomplishments.  If you accept money it becomes a job and I already have one of those.  Once I have proved to myself I can do whatever it is I set out to learn, I am ready for the next challenge and no longer interested enough in the last skill for it to hold my attention.  I’m just weird like that.     

His constant pushing felt like a never ending reminder that who I am was not good enough for him.  That grated my nerves.  So, in response to his newest inquiry into restarting our relationship I sent him an e-mail explaining that it isn’t a good idea, but I also went as far as to say that I have no desire to revisit the past and I have learned that there are men who will allow me the space to explore and accept that some things are simply personal challenges for me.  I just wanted to know I could do it and I learn things for the rush I get from knowing the hows and whys of new things. 

By nature, my ambition has never been tied to financial success.  As long as I can take a vacation, eat out at will and afford the things my daughter needs while maintaining a home and a decent car I am happy.  Being a millionaire would be nice, but not at the expense of my freedom.  I have never wanted to walk in the halls of the powerful.  I’m not interested those things.  I don’t want to be tied to work trying to achieve the ideal life while life itself passes me by.  I’d rather live. 

I work at work.  Most of the time I can reign in my curiosity to focus on the task at hand long enough to keep myself gainfully employed; however, that is a tight fit some days.  So, why would I go to work (where my focus has to be singular) only to come home to a man who can’t appreciate or enjoy the quirky and somewhat scattered way I view, learn from, and enjoy the world?  Each day brings a new opportunity to learn and do something new and truthfully I have no desire to be so focused on one thing that I miss all the other stuff. 40 hours a week is more than enough time to maintain that kind of single minded focus.   

I am told that this amounts to being flighty and scattered.  Ok.  I accept that as a truth. I am flighty and scattered when I’m not working, but I am also pretty damn happy.  So, rather than allow myself to be made over to fit into someone else’s view of who I should be — doesn’t it make more since to wait for someone who can love me as is?  And, if that person never comes, well, I would have had a damn good time exploring the world all by myself.  I have discovered that I’d rather be scattered and flighty and have lived a full life.  The alternative just seems like misery to me.